Sep 21, 2007

Reading Danielle's post inspired me to remember Tyler, Joshua's and Grace's birth-day's. No, it's not any of their Birthdays,but,I thought I'd post about them anyways:)

Tyler~Daniel was born to me when I was two months past my 19th Birthday;I remember the night I found out I was pregnant and the afternoon he was born perfectly well:)
I really wanted Tyler; I prayed and prayed and prayed for a baby(this from a person who didn't have a personal relationship with Christ to speak of, but as many people do, prayed when I wanted something really important or when I was in a big pinch.Lol.) I wanted a boy. I got pregnant and was so excited I told everyone I knew well and had ever known well~Lol!~ but when it came time for the the second sonogram, I had a pit in my stomach and it was pouring rain so hard all day that the highways were just about flooded and I barely made it to that imaging center in one piece~ I was driving a Geo Metro and there was at least 5 inches of water lining the roads! {{*shudder* just thinking about it.}} But the news to come was worse; they couldn't find a heartbeat, sent me across the street to a doctor who specialized in high-risk pregnancies. I sat in his office with four other, older women and gazed upon the posters in his office advertising 'safe,effective birth selection' and
'you choose your child's destiny' showing an image of an older woman with a toddler baby boy who appeared to be retarded, her holding his hand and looking all worried like this child had something wrong with it that should have never happened, the child drooling and looking equally as sad. Looking at the other poster, I put two and two together that this doctor wanted to help women kill babies that wouldn't be what they'd expected. I felt a nausea rising up from my belly where my hand covered my now-silent womb, and I ran to the door I hoped was bathroom to throw up. Before I was done rinsing out my mouth, I heard the receptionist call my name. I stepped out of the tiny bathroom shaking, partly from the wet clothing pressed to my skin and mostly because I dreaded to bad news that was bound to come. I had made up my mind instantly in the bathroom that the 'problem' was only that my baby was going to be born retarded then they had better let me alone and let me have it, or I was going to call the police. There was no reason between me and the rest of my family,I figured, that I couldn't handle loving and raising this little boy if he indeed had special needs(I had already decided in my heart that this baby was a boy.:)

Long story short, the 'good doctor' listened into my womb again, and told me that there was no fetal heartbeat; my baby had died. He was sorry. I was shocked! I'd have to go into the hospital for a DNC, did I know what that meant, what health insurance do you have, dear?"Stop talking!" was all I could think and I muttered out "No, I'll be back" and I rushed out into the parking lot. I didn't go back. I drove home with shaky hands and weak knees. I drove thoughtlessly, entombed in a morbid silence that was deafening. I went straight home. I ran to the only parent I had; my Grandfather. He was sitting on his big, tan easy chair watching the news.

I slouched in,dropped down onto my knees and put my head on his lap. I told him everything; the babies dead; no heartbeat,DNC, they don't know why. Said it happens sometimes before the 3 month mark,and no one knows why. My grandfather patted my head, but smacked me in the face with his words. He said "Well Stacey, things are better off this way. Your better off without a baby, you need to go to school. That baby would have only been in your way. This could be seen as a gift from God..." What!? I pulled his hand off of my hair and walked out of that room, walking away from him emotionally for a long time. "I wanted that baby, and you knew it!" I sobbed.The news spread and rest of my family stayed numb near me, as if they didn't know what to say, so they said nothing. Very strange to live in an extended-family home, with your infant's future grandparents, aunt, uncle, and lot's of cousins, and yet have no-one in the home to share your grief over your dead baby with.

A week later I had the DNC to 'clean me out' and I bled so much I thought I was going to die. They told me that I really wouldn't die, the bleeding was normal,and sent me home within a few hours with the biggest pads I had ever seen and a prescription for Tylenol with Codeine. I took those Tylenol and slept and woke briefly, slept again for 3 days in a haze of shock over all that had happened to me(really, I had never considered there was the possibility that I would lose the baby.)

The good news is, I wanted to keep trying to have another baby and I found out less than 4 months later that I was pregnant again! I went into the hospital with horrible stomach cramps, but after they did their blood and urine tests the nurse came back to us and told us that the only thing wrong with me was that I was two weeks pregnant, and was a congratulations in order?? ( WHY do people ask you that just because you are young?! Pet peeve...) This time I did not lose my baby, and he was the boy I wanted~ he was Tyler,I decided,Taylor if somehow he came out a girl.
I remember all 9 months of my pregnancy with him, visiting with my Midwife weekly at the little clinic on the Quonset Military Base. When my due date came and 14 days later Tyler was still snug as a bug, she and I went to the hospital again where,this time,they gave me an IV drip to help me have a baby.

I told all of the above story to get to this part of this story~ I know that God gave me my baby boy even though I lost the first one and I know that I will see that baby in Heaven, and he or she will be my baby and I will be their momma like nothing ever came between our two lives too separate us. Losing this first baby made getting to keep the second one even better :)

When Tyler was born in the afternoon of March 17th,1995 I cried and cried.
The nurses thought I was in pain, No! I said, "I'm Happy! I'm just so happy!" :)
He got his little nostrils and throat cleaned out and they stamped his footprints on the birth certificate, swaddled him in a white hospital blanket and wheeled him over to me in the newborn cart."Take him out" I said,and I never let go of him again except for the few minutes it took for them to wheel him away from me, circumcise him, and bring him back wailing and with a tiny gauze bandage on.( That was traumatizing to hear that crying and we mothers know our babies cry, I wished I had been farther down the hall and I wished the nurse wouldn't have lied to me and told me that it didn't hurt my baby to be cut down there because they numbed it first. My baby wouldn't have been crying if it didn't hurt.:(
Tyler was a ruddy, healthy little 8 lb. 6 oz. baby with a big old head and no hair; he looked across between Charlie Brown and a serious old man I thought, because he was wrinkly and he was always holding his hand up to his chin, curled over like he was in deep thought. I breastfed him as long as I could stand it, a full 24 hrs. Ha ha! but I was so afraid that my baby would starve that I had to break down and insist that those nurses give him something to eat right now or I was going to have a fit! Ha ha! They didn't want to feed him anything other than these tiny glucose water bottles while waiting for my milk to come in, but he was starving and wailing all the time. It wa breaking my heart. He was suctioned onto me like no Hoover I had ever seen and I was beginning to bleed! It's.not.coming. I had decided :)
I finally got hold of a tiny formula bottle and he sucked down that Enfamil so fast that they had to go and get another, and then another. After he gave out a bog burp right next to my ear he was satisfied, and fell asleep breathing sweetly into my ear. I thought I would burst from happiness. My friends came to visit, my grandparents and Mike's mom. I was a little angry that Mike only came into the hospital twice in the entire 4 days I was there, and then only stayed a total of maybe an hour max, but I was so happy with Tyler that I really couldn't care.
He did come to pick us up and bring us home on my discharge date, and I settled into trying to make a life for our little family.

I won't get into the details of how it must have been for Tyler as a baby and toddler to have Mike for a father, or how it was for me to have him for a husband until I finally packed our bags and took me and Tyler out of that situation forever in November of 1998.

But I will get into how God sent us Alan in August of 1998.

I had just spent the saddest 10 months of my life shell-shocked,wondering how I could have made this mistake and where Tyler and I were going to go from there(we were living back in my grandparents home again.)God does work in mysterious ways sometimes. I met Alan in the strangest of places to find a decent guy(in my humble opinion)and no, it was not a bar thought it was close enough;we were at a night club in Rhode Island and he was there visiting his family in RI up from PA for the weekend only; I was there on a Saturday night which was unusual for me as we usually went on Thursday nights when cover was free for ladies Ha ha! We felt drawn to each other beyond the usual "there's a cute guy/girl I'd like to dance with" variety.
I had a lot more baggage than he did, so this was unusual for me since I had sworn myself off of all men for at least a year to get my head straight Ha ha ha!:)
Well I was just shy of a year by 2 months, but I couldn't resist when at the end of the night he gave me his phone number and smiled gentlemanly, not trying to pick me up like a sleeze.I give him my number,too.( Which I never,ever did~ y'know,stalker potential~) but I felt safe with Alan and I think,now,I know why.

Alan is one of God's gift to Tyler and I; ever since he met Tyler in '99,(I waited a year to introduce them until I knew we were a serious couple;I knew Tyler was desperate for a father figure since Mike had stopped coming around and I didn't want him to attach to a guy who would be leaving him in a few months,)they have been inseparable and Tyler even used to call him "Alan-daddy" when he was four years old:) Alan taught him how to pee in the toilet like a big man~ Lol!~ and how to appreciate the finer things in life, like shrimp and ocean fishing. Alan said he'd always though he'd have a son one day, and he found one in Tyler. Tyler found the man he needed to look up to as a father figure in Alan. Alan has been loving our family in Godly, servant leadership ever since then. It has been a great decade together and we are looking forward to much more time with him, Lord willing.

Today, Tyler is growing into a wonderful young man. He is smart,sensitive and funny like all us women want in a man Ha ha! but better than that he has a heart for God, and is truly saved :) Tyler will be 13 in March and he is the main jem in the center of my heart. He is my first born, my beloved in a special way that cannot be duplicated. For awhile there it was just me and him,together against the world.We have a special bond. Even with all of my sinfulness as a parent and mistakes I have made ceasing to show him my love for him due to my selfishness and desire for ease and comfort at times, he still told me yesterday at the park in one of our conversations about him growing up that he would live here in Shillington, to be close to me. He will rent a house near Shillington Park,and walk his dog there he says:) He has a forgiving spirit when I come to him and apologize when I have sinned against him at times, and he is always quick to say yes, I will pray for you. God has all the glory for this!

Well, this is getting long so I guess I'll save Josh and Grace for another day:) I hope you enjoyed walking with me down memory lane; I sure loved remembering the one best gifts God has given me, besides my salvation: Tyler! Thanks for listening :)


Heather said...

(((Stacey))) thank you for being so transparent. Those of us who have been forgiven much seem to gravitate towards one another in an unspoken understanding. God is *so* good. Looking forward to hearing more.-heather

Joyce Meyer Ministries said...

Stacey, thank you for your post. It is a real comfort to read your words. I look forward to coming back and reading more (if you don't mind). God bless you sister.

- Jen Miller

staceyhoff said...

Thank You, Heather and Jen :)
Jen,I am so glad it is comforting for others to read about how God has worked in our lives; it is obviously a real comfort for me!!
I know just what you mean too, Heather, about 'the club' of the forgiven much, so to speak: I always wanted to be able to say what my Care Group leaders say when someone asks them " how ya doing?" and really mean it, really get it, be part of that 'humility club' instead of standing outside the window looking in and wondering why I can't get into the door(Pride, Lol!) They always answer, "Better than I deserve."
I asked why they always said that one day (It was so annoying to me before I really understood what they were doing why, I don't know why; maybe it pinched my pride to know that I wasn't like them at all; I wasn't saying in my heart "Better than I deserve" I was saying," I want it better than this!" all of the time.) He explained it in a way I could readily understand: " We all deserve Hell, and instead, God saves us and welcomes us into His family as adopted children."
Ohh! So, usually when they ask ME how I"m doing, you know I have to answer, "Better than I deserve" LOl!(Just to show I'm listening;)Going into my Student Bible and Praying about that, asking for an understanding of it from God, my JOY finally came!I mean, Really Came! I had always wondered why I didn't have that same explosive joy that so many people have in our church. Oh I was happy about being saved, but I wasn't as happy as they were! I didn't know it at the time but all that time this was because I wasn't as HUMBLE as them either. With the true understanding God gave me of how I deserve Hell because I am a sinner, and how and why He offers me an out of the just punishment I deserve, by sending His only son to suffer, bleed and die, as a substitute for ME ( really make it personal; write your name into your Bible where it says "you"), THEN was when my JOY came~ only with HUMILITY. Who would have guessed it, using mere human wisdom? The world teaches us that humility is suffocoating and drudgery; the Lord reveals to us the truth: that humility is Freeing and Joyfullness!!!

Sorry this reply is so long; I get a little carried away sometimes ;)

Audrey said...

Thanks for sharing Stacey...What a neat story of God's faithful hand in your life and Tyler's....Praise God!!! I loved hearing that Tyler is saved too...PRAISE GOD!!!! Love, Audrey