I just can't stop believeing what I believe to make my Grandpa 'respect me' again; I'm sorry that he doesn't- but I know now that God is Lord over all, sovereign and active and very much alive, working in this world and in people and that he hears our prayers, and nothing can ever be the same again!
I remember when I was fresh out of college, buzzed with the heady excitement of a spanking new BS degree that I honestly believed enabled me to be able to change the world at large, one family at a time, with my plans to eventually complete a masters degree and then a ph.d. and start tackling justice through infiltrating the annals of family law. It wasn't for God's glory. It was to help, but I had been educated by a humanistic school and had nothing to offer- nothing!- but the world's wisdom and platitudes; maybe I could have made some positive changes for a family or two but could I have given them the only help that really matters- the only helper that can change hearts and lives and save us from our destiny apart from Him?
I was arrested by His grace; amazed by His glory. He pursued me- I still don't know why, except that He loves me with an everlasting love that I do not deserve one tiny bit!! I handed over the one most valauble thing that any person without God has: my life. I have so much more than just that now!!!
I listen patiently while he tells me that I am brainwashing my sons by teaching them to love and obey God at a young age (as if they wouldn't be 'brainwashed' by something else anyways?), that there is no one real truth and everything is relative to how each individual wants to believe- no wrong or right, no absolutes- God is a figment of my innate need to have a God-like figure in control, born out of my fear of death or some insecurities about making my own ( intellectual) decisions. I tell him that I he is wrong and try to be a respectful as possible about it. Even as he calls me 'brainwashed' and 'suddenly dimwitted' in the same conversation; is this the reason why I come here, to be verbally abused for my beliefs? NO I come here to show my family that I love them, I miss them , I want to be near them-even when my faith is devalued. It gets hard, sometimes I think I just want to get out of here and go on back home a little earlier than I'd planned(like tonight.) But I am growing from this. I am learning to love even better and I am learning what it means to be steadfast and with no higher stakes for me than this. I am Ok with many people thinking that I am wierd (for my beliefs, not the usual wierdness:) I am even not that unglued about the idea of hatefulness in other ways directed at me but when it comes to my grandpa that there is the jewel of my heart: at least before Jesus. I love my Grandpa. So, so, so much. He has always been there for me. God has used him to care for me and this family, I truly believe that. At one time, he was everything to me. The sun and moon revolved around if my Grandpa was pleased with me or not. This could be an idol or me today. I thank God that it is not.
There is pain in the offering, but nonetheless it feels good to share my faith with him. It stretches my heart bigger than I ever thought it could humanly go when I hear Tyler step in at times and say things like "Grandpa,don't worry- God will forgive you. Just repent of your sins and ask Him to forgive you." and "God loves you too grandpa; He sent Jesus for you too." Even Joshy said the other day "I have to obey God" when my grandpa tried to intercept a discipline I had to give Joshy for telling me No and stomping off in anger(time in the corner.)I love this. I love that I am so blessed by my children. I love that God would give me that. ME! I love that my grandpa loves my boys so much that he doesn't want to see them in discomfort in any way at all. I love that my grandpa loves me so much that he is trying to help me, as misplaced as it is, he really believes what he believes just as much as I now *know* there IS a God. I am just so grateful for all of these things and for my salvation. I pray for my children's salvation as well. I am so thankful that God si with you and your family as you read this today too, if you are a believer. Thank you God for all of your kindnesses. You have stopped me and turned me in a new direction, put a new song in my mouth, healed my heart and set me free to worship you and so so much more! The only words that come to my mind now are from a song we sing at church. What can I give, what can I sing, what can I bring as an offering, Lord? Oh my words could not tell, not even in part, of the debt of love that is owed, by this grateful heart. !!!.Thanks for listening. Love you all.